Category: Safe Haven
I decided I am against organized religion, and put aside my Christian beliefs 1.5 weeks ago, and I don't know if it is necessary to tell my family. My dad, mom, and sister are conservative Christians; my brother likely will not care very much. I told my sister, and she of course tried to futilely argue there is truth in Christianity, and said she would pray for me. I asked her if I should tell our parents. She said she doesn't know how it'll go over with our dad, but our mother will be heartbroken because she often says how grateful she is that all her children believe in Christ.
I am living with my parents till I get my apartment next month, and I doubt they would kick me out, but I imagine they will react explosively.
Should I wait till I'm gone, and tell them over the phone? When is the right time to tell them? I feel like they should know since this God thing is such a huge part of their lives and was in mine until recently. We'd talk about God, prayer, and the Bible, all the time, and would go to church and church events together. Now, I don't even know how to react during these conversations outside of short affirmative responses, so as not to come out of left field with negativity toward their religion. Last Sunday and this Sunday, I've expressed that I don't feel like attending church, but I don't know how long it will be before they start asking questions.
I appreciate any advice, criticism, or stories about coming out to your family in favor of your own beliefs.
sadly, there is no magic number that I can tell you that will make it a perfect
conversation. I don't know your family, your situation, or your beliefs. Only you
can know if your parents will be able to handle it, or if you're willing to grit your
teeth and act like the perfect christian daughter when you're around them. I
know people who came straight out and told their parents, I know people who,
decades down the road, are still going to church because they can't break their
parent's or loved one's hearts like that. So, unfortunately, its entirely up to you.
Yep, it's not an easy thing to do. I never told my family, but I think they have an idea at this point. I almost never go to church anymore. Also, being in college makes things easier because I get to decide what I want to do so. Maybe when you get your own place, they'll get it.
Wouldn't they be better off not knowing? If you're set on telling them, I strongly suggest waiting until after you move out next month. 1.5 weeks is a very short time to come to terms with it. It took me several weeks before I was able to tell anyone besides my best friend.
Personally, I've decided that I'm not going to tell them, but if they ask I won't lie. I can't really lie anyway. I used to be afraid to even post about my non-belief on here, but I don't feel the need to hide it anymore. If people are that interested they can find out. I've just never been a good proselytizer no matter what I believed.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It isn't easy.
With anything that isn't like others, religion,sexual preference, lifestyle, it causes friction.
Why does it always have to be some sort of coming out?
Once you move, and start to live as you live, soon it will come to light.
Making a big announcement just opens up the fight.
Allowing it to be learned by and by seems a smoother way to go about it.
Maybe on special events, you might attend church for the family, but otherwise you'll not be, so soon it will be noticed, but you'll be on your own at that time.
If asked directly, say you've decided to think about your religion, or place in it.
Let them lead the conversation.
I've forgotten this.
When religion conversations come up, simply have nothing to say. If you don't wish to rock the boat, it isn't necessary you do.
I was raised in a very traditional catholic family and household. I've long since rejected the religion and its belief system. I never made an official statement to my family about it though. I just don't go to church and I make skeptical or anti-catholic remarks sometimes, when I can't help it, but otherwise, whatever. As long as my family doesn't force me to act religious, I don't have to confront them about it. I think I've made it pretty clear, without making an actual statement, that I no longer belong to the religion or it to me. I think my family is afraid to ask and also afraid to force me to follow their ways because they're afraid I'll tell them what's what. hmm. I guess I am living by a don't ask don't tell policy of sorts. I don't know how well it would work for others, but it's working out fine for me for now. I don't hide that I am not religious --I think I'm sending a pretty clear message though, without making a "hey, look at me" statement.
Thankfully I didn't have to deal with the family thing.
I was raised Catholic, and I think my mother is hurt that I am now an atheist, but she and the other members of my immediate family respect my decision. I try to avoid discussing religion with my extended family, though, because it could ruin my relationships with some of them.
1.5 weeks ago. Such exactitude. Chronologist types like to date everything.
In many cases these types of changes come gradually and before one realizes it, they are being interrogated about their beliefs by their loved ones.
An atheist pal of mine began to espouse his beliefs after he had had time to reason through all the pitfalls he could think of. He went through a stage of “psychologically deflecting” from his family. I guess it was his way of anticipating any theatrics and harden himself against that sort of thing from them, which as you can imagine did happen and all preemptive measures failed. With human beings there is always a factor of unpredictability.
I also noticed in the first post there isn’t any mention of atheism. A lot of people turn from Christianity to belief in an impersonal deity. That would call for a different type of approach.
I’d say it depends on how firmly one thinks they can defend and hold their position, not only against family but also against acquaintances. Being unprepared for any line of questioning will be unpleasant, and it’ll be worse if your stance is indefensible. The last thing a person in this type of situation needs is to allow others to have a shred of doubt. They will think you might still have an open mind or are confused. They will likely want to believe that anyway. Perhaps waiting a little would be wise if this change is fairly recent.
Prepare yourself in whichever way you think necessary and then gradually start to express your position when the situation arises. Remember the outcome of my old friend, polemics can sometimes get nasty and of course people don’t always have 100% solid arguments. That is if you will even want to grant them the option of debating with you.
I personally try not to announce anything to anyone or make assertions unless I’m either genuinely challenged or offended. But with something like this, I don’t think I’d allow family the chance to argue incessantly. I’d allow it once—when they have first discovered it—and no more. I’m not in your situation so what I’m offering here is simply my thoughts. Everyone I care about knows about my skepticism. I welcome and sometimes instigate debates. I am comfortable not being a full-fledged atheist or agnostic. My mind is open and that’s how I intend to keep it for the remainder of my life.
I have never understood the pressure people put on themselves to act on something that in the end probably won’t matter much. This doesn’t come across as a life-or-death situation. It shows that you possibly need time to get comfortable with your beliefs.
And by the way you say you’ve been acting around them recently, I bet one if not both of your parents already suspects that something in you has changed. Their disappointment hopefully won’t be as bad.
There are concerns that your parents may respond negatively. So it should serve as a warning that you don’t need to put time constraints on “coming out,” as you put it. Why increase your anxiety?
And when you feel like you’re psychologically prepared to not break or be dissuaded when you see their disappointment, then you are probably ready to tell them. This way you can remain composed and focus on managing whatever reaction they might have, consoling your mother if she needs it and so on.
There’s no big hurry to tell anyone about the personal beliefs you espouse. Whether they find out sooner or later won’t make a big difference. “This God thing,” as you refer to it, sounds like something habitual in your family. It’s an illusion that makes religion seem important. The most devout people on their most honest days will tell you of their moments of doubt so I’m sure your words won’t come to them as such a huge shock.
Ultimately you understand the situation best.
The last two posts: Yes.
It took me years.
If you're not married, and not responsible for a dependent, I'd consider how you go about doing this. I took over a month to figure out exactly how I was going to do this, and before then I"d known for a year.
Cody's right it depends on your family. Are they paying your way? Many a young nonbeliever can find themselves on the outside of family finances because the love of the god and many of its followers is entirely conditional upon belief / belonging. Makes sense when you come to think of it; there's no such thing as uncobnditional love. I' pretty sure I could do something that would cause my wife to not love me anymore.
Also, if I'm not mistaken, Baptists are very big on apologetics. I've learned since I've been out that there are quite a few evangelicals who are not as up on the arguments as I once thought, and not as given to arguing people back in as I once thought. But you'll need to be ready with answers to the Aquinian Five Proofs and so on, as you'll be dealt with those kinds of responses.
Also, if you wish to remain credible to the Christians around you, you may not want to go down the stereotypical Millennial Atheism Plus crowd's path, saying "I don't like god, so he must not exist," or "God is immoral, so he must not exist", similar types of arguments nobody over 30 finds credible. After all, you believe Ted Bundy existed, and yet he was very immoral. Same with any number of others.
If I could do it again, I'd ask more questions and make fewer assumptions. There's the organized dogma, and then there's the actual believer and what she or he believes. Not all are six-day Creationist, for instance, even if they consider themselves conservative evangelicals. Not all have the same attitude towards Hell or free will, or any of the other arguments the recently-deconverted often have been struggling with for years.
And even though you've probably seen apologetics for everything you believe, and perhaps were told belief in the Christian God as the west understands it today is the most reasonable position, not all believers even buy that. Not all are into the "reasonable faith" ideas of recent decades.
I put all this out to say we can't assume the same things that have plagued us have plagued others who still believe.
Your only challenge is responding correctly if you're called upon to do so. The 1984 challenge, is how I used to think of it. You try and remain authentic, but walking that tight line so the religious around you don't get triggered and can stay in their safe space.
I can't really answer you directly, this is something you're going to have to figure out. And many of us middle aged types, hell I've met a senior citizen or two also, have been working through this for a long time. Just try to be thoughtful of the others as people, and know there's no perfect way to do this.
And you might learn something about Christian people you know now that you're out, and not struggling with the cognitive dissonance anymore. Just play it safe, especially if you financially depend on peple who will withdraw that support due to a lack of belief. This is a pretty serious problem for millennial atheists in the South and the Midwest right now.
Keep in mind, she isn't saying she's an atheist. She's simply saying she doesn't
buy into organized religion. Far from the same thing.
I do advocate telling them though, in your own time, but certain do it. Tehre
is no reason you should have to suffer for the sake of your parent's happiness
when you aren't living with them. Me, for example, if I visit my family, I won't
go to church unless its a wedding or a funeral. I simply won't. They know why I
won't, and they will simply have to find a way to deal with that. I see no reason
why atheists, or in this case nonreligious, should always be the one making
sacrifices in the relationship.
Well, I can see that, especially if she isn't taking money from them for any reason. I'd just advocate being careful for her own safety's sake. And that means having your own ride their and back. I actually know what it's like to depend on a ride and end up trapped. You don't need that, whatever the ideology or lack thereof. Trapped is something you absolutely don't need.
You know your family though, and know how they're likely to react.
I do believe it's wise to hold off until *you* are personally prepared for their reactions. That requires, dare I say, a bit of soul-searching. And how you go about things depends upon how well you want to preserve your relationships.
Cody my answer is who is going to be the responsible one here. It pains me to say this as she's still young. But it's true, even if it's not fair.
Another reason I'd advocate waiting till you move away, is living with and by yourself bolsters your confidence. And confidence is what everyone in any minority demographic needs.
Cody's right; it isn't fair. But it's wise, IMHO. And I say this as someone who can look back and see that I made mistakes during my own exit from religion.
Thanks everyone for your input.
Due to what you guys wrote here, I decided not to tell my parents until after I Leave. I am relying on them financially in the sense that I am in their house, where they pay the bills. I do pay rent while I am here, but not for utilities. I am responsible for my own groceries, phone, credit card bills, dog's food, etc. I doubt they would kick me out, but things could get hostile at worst, and definitely awkward. I'll wait, considering there's no benefit to revealing this information so soon, and my goal is telling them for the sake of being honest. It will come out because my mother will badger me about finding a church home, tithing, praying, reading the Bible, etc. I don't wanna hear it, and I don't wanna be associated with it.
I dunno when I will tell them exactly, but I don't want them to think I'm a Christian or any sort of religious when I'm not. Whatever the conversation is like, I don't aim to challenge their beliefs.
When my sister and I chatted, she tried to explain to me that my survival of childhood cancer is proof of God performing a miracle, and that I am seeking comfort from the devil. I simply told her I don't have any reasons to believe in miracles or the devil. My aim in speaking with her was to come out, not to debate. She did ask why I didn't believe some things, and I explained succinctly and with the least inflammatory of responses. She has admitted to me that she suspected I didn't subscribe to Christian doctrine because of a conversation we had Christmas of last year. We talked about a lot of things including homosexuality, human nature, and evolution, and it was apparent to her my beliefs are in opposition to the Bible.
Fortunately, I can get out of going to church most Sundays because I work most Sundays during church, and the ones where I don't work a shift during church, I've told them I don't feel like attending. I'll see how that goes over on Easter and 1st Sunday. If I have to sit through a couple bullshit sessions before I'm outa here for good, so be it.
I'm glad you've come to a conclusion that you feel comfortable with. I hope it
goes well, and congratulations on finding your new religious thought. Welcome
to the revolution for one.
A wise decision.
I wish to register my congratulations as well.
Congratulations on being safe about this also.
Alicia aka Shadow_Cat on here gave me some pretty good advice on a topic I raised a couple years ago. She said to use "I" statements. "I've concluded that ..." or "This is where I am at the moment".
It's hard for us to remember but in these types of conversations with these peple, a challenge to their religion is a challenge to themselves. It is no more and no less a result of how we place a premium on feellings over facts, but it's how our culture works at the moment.
From what you describe, your family is in pretty thick.
Your college campus will probably have a secular students' alliance, or something similar. These are more popular in conservative states in the U.S. because of the families kids are coming from.
Anyhow, congratulatiuns and good for you for being the rational one here and playing it safe. You don't know how they'll react, and frankly, they don't either.